Summer is that a wonderful and beautiful time of the year when everything heats up, and not (ONLY) in a terrifying global warming kind of way. There are more immediate reasons to fear in summer anyway, like all the terrible choices that you, as an onlooker, may have seared into your brain more thoroughly than that episode of hoarders where the man dresses like a baby girl (or as I like to call it, John Travolta’s home video). Worse yet, you might be the one doing the searing! So, I am going to do my best to help you avoid three of the worst summer no-no’s, because there's nothing is worse than being that person … except maybe the humidity.
I understand that it's all fun in the sun during the summer, but calm down—you don’t want to end up looking like a Barbie left out in the sun, or Tan Mom. Some of the worst aging is caused by sun damage. I know your only concern is having that sun kissed glow, but you have to be careful. So before you hit the sun slather on the SPF, and use a little caution. Maybe even consider a nice spray tan. I mean this is 2015, they’ve come a long way since Ross got one.
Next let’s talk about the difference between shorts and panties. In the summer heat people often fall victim to the “denim pantie.” This tip isn’t just for the ladies! In today’s society, boys are hiking up their hemlines to show off what can only be described as frat thigh, a ridiculous version of douche cleavage one should avoid during summer adventures. The only way you can avoid turning the everyday pair of shorts into a horrible crotch-nuzzling mistake is—and this may be shocking—to TRY THEM ON! To be really sure your baby making merchandise isn’t hanging out the sides, you will need an honest friend or stylish employee to tell you when the fit isn’t working. Please don’t be the person scaring children all summer: remember their eye level!
Lastly, and most infuriatingly, footwear! For the love of Cher, please choose appropriate shoes! Nothing makes me want to attempt to put down my hot chicken and sweet tea—and I do mean attempt (no promises when it comes to hot chicken)—to run over to a person and throw paint all PETA style more than seeing the following foot wear in the summer:
- Socks and Sandals: Honestly what messages is this sending? Do you plan on bowling later? It’s embarrassing, just stop!
- Cheap rubber flip-flops: I understand it must really upset you to pay over $3 for flip flops, however causal onlookers and foot fetish enthusiasts will thank you if you at least have the decency to put on a nice pair of sandals. And men maybe just stick to a casual summer loafer. However, if you really must show off your man toes, at least get a pair of semi respectable leather flip-flops...if one can ever really call a flip flop respectable.
- UGGS: I’m extremely upset that I even have to mention this! I understand UGGS are super comfortable, but should only be worn in dark movie theaters during the dead of winter. I understand they were originally invented for surfers to wear, and I find that just as stupid as the idea of you thinking you’ll catch any waves here in Nashville. As fun as it is to pretend you’re an extra in The Simple Life, this is not the early 2000’s and you look like a Clydesdale. Its summer, when the heat is already unbearable, shoving your foot into a once happy lamb is ridiculous.
Summer should be about making memories that will last a lifetime, not memories that will haunt you for a lifetime. In the end, while it IS about enjoying summer, I’m just saying you’ll probably like it more if you stop looking stupid. You’ll also probably have more friends.